I've had such a hard time without it lately. I'll do that for you if you really meant all that. Would you do that, please? I can't be all by myself anymore. Maybe if I could turn this farm into a home just like you wanted, things will finally be different. I need to make things right before you see me again. I thought I hated her, but I just wanted to feel safe too. She only wanted a home to feel safe in, I can see that. I hurt them so they too might know what it feels like to suffer, but poor Daddy didn't deserve that. 'Til recently with Mama and the boy from the picture house - they were different. Nothing with feelings, nothing that could hurt me back. At first, it was only animals smaller than myself. I regret them now, but I liked how they felt. I'm so scared that when you finally come home you'll see me and be frightened like everyone else is. What did I do? Why wasn't my family like yours? I hate what it feels like to be me and not you. I'm not pretty, or naturally pleasant, or friendly. Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night and a fear washes over me 'cause what if this is it? What if this is right where I belong? I'm a failure. to be loved by as many people as possible to make up for all my time spent suffering.
I don't wanna end up like Mama I wanna be dancing up on the screen like the pretty girls in the pictures. What did I do? What is wrong with me? Please just tell me so I can get better.
Do people like you ever feel this way? Figure you don't. Why did you leave me, Howard? I hate feeling like this. It was one less weight keeping me here but then the war came and you left me too. How could I be responsible for another life? Life terrifies me. Pulling, sucking on me like some needy animal in a barn. I loathed the feeling of it growing inside me. How could you be so selfish and cruel after all I've done to make you happy? How could you? I'm certain you knew I hated it here. You wanted to stay here with me on our farm and it made me so angry. Then, you finally brought me back to your home to meet your family and it was just as I hoped. I made sure to never let you see who I really was. All my life I've wanted off this farm and you were my ticket out. You were from somewhere a nice, comfortable place that you could return to whenever you wanted. You worked hard like the other farmhands, but you were different. I spotted you the moment you came to live with us. I may be a poor farm girl, Howard, but I'm not stupid. It's cause I understood how lucky I was to have your attention. Pearl: The reason I kept my eyes to the ground to avoid other men was never to avoid hurting you. the truth is I'm not really a good person. whenever I see others whose lives come easy because. It's an awful feeling like a rot the way it just twists and turns at your insides. I made sure to always be mindful with your heart. Honestly, there was a time I was flattered to have someone as handsome as you pine over me. I just hope things can go back to the way they were before, but I don't see how they could. It wasn't him that I wanted, I know that now. I'm sure you don't want to hear about a stranger satisfying your wife, and I swear it was only once. I feel awful admitting that, but it's the truth. Pearl: I hate you so much for leaving me here sometimes I hope you die. Mitzy: Pretend I'm Howard and you say whatever's on your mind. You shouldn't be afraid to tell him how you feel. I'm so afraid of what people might think. Pearl: I've never spoken about it out loud to anyone. Pearl: Seems like there's something missing in me that the rest of the world has. Pearl: I'm worried there may be something really wrong with me, Mitzy. If I snuck out of the house and ended up bringing home another bug or germ, my mother and father would just kill me. Mitzy: You're not comin' down with something, are you?
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